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  • Writer's pictureJules Arata

talking to my moon

London by Mokita

Its been three months since I saw you
Just a few texts here and there
I saw you're on a beach somewhere

I think I forgot to tell you
I found that list on my phone,
Of places in London you wanted to go

Those tourist shops around camden twon
Take a late night ride on the underground
See the gardens and drink warm beer
{I would give the world
God I wish you were here}

I feel so helpless and I feel so far away
If you knew where I was I wonder what you'd say
I feel guilty and I don't know how to tell you
I saw London without you

Everything here makes me miss you
I can picture us
Still in love
Holding hands on a rooftop bus

I haven't posted any pictures
Cause there's a part of me
That still believes
I'll bring you back to these

Those tourist shops around camden twon
Take a late night ride on the underground
See the gardens and drink warm beer
I would give the world
God I wish you were here

now this is a post i haven't wanted to write. i think that somehow i thought by putting it off it would make it less real. but its been over two years now, and he isn't coming back.


to give you some background, i will quote my instagram post i made when he passed:


"He was my person, and he will always be. He saved me in high school and I tried my best to save him. He was everything. No other word can completely describe him other than that. Everything. The full moon will always be ours.

Thank you for being my best friend. Until I run into your arms, i love you forever

谢谢 my magic milk man"


Alec Reid Becker was my life jacket. he was that kind of guy that had the genuine ability to make everyone feel like they were his best friend. and he meant it. he saw every interaction as a possibility to love another person, to make a positive impact on their lives, and he did.


i drove him home every day of softball season for two years. he lived three blocks from me for 10 years & i had no idea until then. i remember every single thing that boy said to me. every joke he made, every piece of news, big or small, like when he started dating the girl he had a crush on or that he was planning on wearing a bowtie to the school dance. him asking about what had happened with my crush that day or making sure to call me every friday of my first semester of college. i mean, the boy waited up in his pajamas until i finished my 14 hour drive home from colorado, bc he wanted to come over and hear about my summer at camp in person.


so much of our relationship took place in my car. driving home together, sitting in the trunk with the lift gate open during softball, going to the movies, or just talking. so when my car got totaled last year, i think that's what sucked the most about the whole situation. it felt like i was losing a huge part of him that i had left.


that passenger seat belonged to him.


one day my junior year, i found out that because of how close we were, a lot of people figured we would just show up at a reunion one day and be married. so i told him and he suggested a marriage pact. if we were both single when he was 30, we would tie the knot. and let me tell you, that was a promise i held onto. hope and joy were so intricately intertwined in that promise. marrying your best friend is the dream.


when i woke up on feb 6, 2020 and checked my email inbox, it felt like i got stabbed in the heart. my person, with no warning was suddenly gone and i found out through an email from my high school.


a lot of people figured that since i had gone to college and he was still in high school that we hadn't kept up, but that was the farthest from the truth. when some people saw me at the funeral, recognition flickered over their faces, suddenly remembering who we were to each other. we were best friends. whenever people came up to give their condolences to me or a hug, there was only one thing i could say.


"i was gonna marry him"


it was raining during the funeral, which was just so fitting. i saw a lot of people i hadn't seen in two years. and then i saw his parents. i had tried to give them some space that day, they seemed not only weighed down with unspeakable grief, but bombarded by people. so i gave his brother a hug and then i did something i was dreading. i picked up the shovel and put dirt on the coffin of my best friend.


i walked away and kept talking to old classmates and once the crowd started to disperse, i heard a murmur. i looked over, at it was his parents standing at the side of their 18-year old son's grave, yet they were searching for someone. they kept saying " where is she? where is she?" and then we made eye contact, and that was a whole other kind of heart break. i ran to them and we fell to our knees in a hug. they kept just telling me "thank you" through shaky breath. and when i asked why, they gave me the answer that i will hold onto for the rest of my life. they told me that i was the reason they got the extra year with him that they did. that one of the big reasons he kept fighting was for me.



now you may wonder why i chose this song to go with this post. its because the song for me is not about a guy realizing something post-breakup, its about doing all the things you had planned on doing with someone else without them because you can't.


for me, that looks like graduating college and getting my first big girl job and me reaching for my phone because i want to call him and tell him. he is the person i wanted to celebrate those moments with. it looks like finding a funny thing at a store i want to show him, or seeing the beautiful full moon and missing how it used to be the cue for one of us to call the other.


for you, it may look like that post-break up scenario, or it could look similar to mine. it could look like going to that restaurant or place you always said you would go to together.


but honestly, everything does make me miss him. he is the reason i hold on so tightly to friendships and usually am not the one to end it or stop checking in. i do feel guilty doing life sometimes without him, because i knew it would be so much better with him.


but though i may feel helpless and far away, i know he is hugging my heart.


today would've been his 21st birthday, so happy birthday to you my sweet Alec.

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Kathryn Hedges Arata
Kathryn Hedges Arata
Apr 27, 2022

You’re right. He was your lifeline, and you’ll never find anything uniquely shaped to fill the hole he left in your life. But I am watching you build the bridge over that chasm, spanning the grief so you can look back into the memories with less pain, more love and laughter. I’m so very proud of you, and I know Alec is, too. I love you,

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beththoele
Apr 26, 2022

I am so sorry, Julianna. 🙏

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